I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
