mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
