peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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