Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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