I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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