In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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