i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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