capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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