I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
