have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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