Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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