Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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