I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
BRING THE BAGELS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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