I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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