Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
