dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
