we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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