It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
