I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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