On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..