So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
