I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?