the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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