i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize