i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
