ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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