Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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