I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
