your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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