You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
