Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Randomize
