i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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