From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
