So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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