My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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