kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
