Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
