the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
