Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
