He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
