i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he told me I talked like a deaf person
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
