She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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