Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
