can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jerry, you need to find god
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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