We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
