Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
