Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
