I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
