I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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