I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize