I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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