Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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