i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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