At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
