you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
