I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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