she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
