i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
