i may or may not be watching the land before time
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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