I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
